OK, so let me start by saying I absolutely despise the invention of the telephone.  There have been few people in my life that I’ve ever cared to communicate with via this wretched device.  It goes off at all hours, whether it’s close friends and family or some random, incorrectly dialed number; it goes off at inopportune times like when you’re driving or in a crowded, noisy environment; if your signal is weak, or the other party’s is weak, it’s a bitch to hear on even in the quietest of surroundings; and then there’s the little-known fact that I hate talking on the phone (and I’m joking here, anyone who knows me personally knows I hate talking on the phone,) it’s impersonal and almost every conversation can wait.

But lets pretend for a moment, shall we, that I’m OK with telephone conversations… lets just imagine, if we can, that the mere sound of one of my many ring tones doesn’t incite the juices in my gut to churn and gurgle, and lets say, just for the fuck of it, that I’ve never pretended, gone through every motion of the act but letting go of the phone, that I was throwing the god forsaken piece of shit as far as I could in which ever direction held the most potential for destruction of said device (i.e. a river, highway with heavy traffic, or park bench where that fat lady sits every day to eat her dozen doughnuts from Krispy Creme,) while the party on the other end rambled on and on about what ever I didn’t give a fuck about at that moment.  Got the picture?  Good.  Lets continue.

If I were to keep my surges of malevolence toward these objects at least to this level, perhaps I could tolerate a call or two a day, maybe even enjoy a few moments of one of these conversations… but even then… EVEN THEN there is one thing that would always bother me.  One thing that would always rekindle my dampened hatred for my cell (and those that would call it.)  That one thing is the voicemail… NOT just ANY voicemail… but that one that never needed to be left.  See the following examples:

“Hi Matt, this is John.  If you could, give me a call at your earliest possible convenience.”

“Hello Mr. Mould, this is your daughters school calling.  It’s urgent that we speak to you soon.  Please return our call when you get a moment.”

“Hey man, gimmie a call when you get this.”

“Hey Baby, give me a call.”

OK… now if there are some of you that haven’t caught on to the point of this little rant… I will elaborate for you.  Those messages seem so different at a glance, but they are all the exact same message when you break them down to the information they supplied.  AND, this is the part that really pisses me off… NOT ONE of them gave me ANY MORE information than what I already knew after glancing at the display, seeing the caller ID, and hitting the button to send them to voicemail… See a translation of each message below:

John with IT called at 2:34PM – 555-555-1212

Daughter’s School called at 1:14PM – 555-555-9752

Chris (Dumbass) called at 6:32PM – 555-555-6284

Girlfriend (ex) called at 7:14PM – 555-555-1332

People… if you’re not going to tell my why you’ve called or what the fuck it is you want… DO NOT leave a voicemail on my phone.  If it’s not so important that I need to know the second I’ve checked the message… just STFU and hang up the phone.  See below for appropriate messages to leave in each of these four cases:

“Hey Matt, this is John with IT.  We’ve reset the servers and the system should be back online.  Just log out of any open clients and back in and you should be golden.”

“Mr. Mould, this is Ms. Reynolds (surnames changed to protect the individuals portrayed,) we’ve got an after-school program we think your daughter might be interested in and wanted to run the details by you.”

“Yo Matt, it’s Chris.  We’re heading out to Corning tonight.  The bars here sucked last week, so give a call when you’re on your way and we’ll let you know where we are.”

“Hey Baby, I was just calling to…”… well… actually… when the hell has a girlfriend ever had anything important to say.  I apologize, that last one was a bad example.

But you get the general idea I hope.  If any of you are responsible of this social atrocity, please try to make yourself aware of the problem and try to take steps to remedy it.  Do it for me, do it for your loved ones… do it for yourself (since you’re all greedy bastards anyway.)

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